Time is flying by and I’m behind but feeling good. I started to come down with a bad cold on Thursday and by Friday was crashing. I spent the entire weekend in bed or propped up on the couch, but now am feeling almost 100% recovered. I didn’t force myself to write and I don’t feel bad about that one bit. The weekend was difficult however as I was stuck in a perpetual pity-party for myself. I did however reach out and stayed connected with my “little sis” in Florida who, as always, made me smile and supported me through my pissy moments. Thanks yo.
Today was different; emotionally I was all over the place. It started this morning looking at my naked self in the mirror. It was surreal – like I couldn’t comprehend that what I was looking at was actually my current physical condition. I mean when did my body turn into this? What happened to my strong, athletic physique? Of course I know what happened. Multiple foot surgeries, years of not being able to walk and becoming totally sedentary, eating like I always did, indulging in more wine and beer…of course my body looks like it does now. Let me be honest. I’ve gained 30lbs since my first foot surgery. The first 10lbs I gained rapidly and never lost since 2007. The second 20lbs has gone on and off as I’ve dealt with medical and emotional issues. I guess today it finally caught up with me. Looking in that mirror was like looking at a stranger. I’ve been wanting to do something about it but didn’t really feel any urgency until today. This is good.
Today I was also introduced to the documentary “Farther Than the Eye Can See” which inspired me more than I have been in quite some time. I need to stay inspired and motivated and think I’ll work on finding more stories like this to motivate myself and share with others. *Full documentary available at this link
It’s after midnight now so I need to cut out but today, today was a good day.
#BeAwesome ~ Chase
Last summer after I quit my job, but before I figure out what to do next in life, I filled my days with watching two different sets of awesomesauce kids. The lone girl was named Aarya and she laid down wisdom on me every chance she could get. One of her favorite sayings was “comparing leads to suffering” ergo stop comparing. I’ve got to say this is sweet advice but sometimes, maybe, it’s not OK but it feels so good, it’s a little bit fun (and twisted, and wrong, and I should not be admitting this) to creep on social media (like FB) and feel so. much. better. about. your. life. Yes, comparing can be super negative, but sometimes when you look at a situation you perceive as worse than yours IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL AMAZEBALLS.
So for tonight, thank you non-tech savvy folks who don’t understand FB security controls who allowed me glimpses into your lives. I sound like a fucking horrific person right now, but eh…not really caring at this moment.
So I’ve almost completed an entire week of the project and I can’t say I’ve made too much progress, but I feel like I am trending in the right direction. My main focus right now is figuring out my latest foot drama and determining if there is any way to avoid surgery. Other than that I started feeling sick today You know that run-down, weird taste on your mouth, is my throat swelling or is it in my head, kinda feel. I was hoping to workout and be social today but instead I decided it was best to honor how I was feeling physically. If I had to grade myself I’d give myself a C- for the week – some accomplishments with a lot of missteps and general asshatness, like being a dick to other people in my head this evening. I have been chatting about the #BeAwesome Project to a bunch of people though so I feel like I am in good shape to make some positive changes – but I really should stop that comparing thing.
#BeAwesome ~ Chase
Last night it was already after 11pm by the time I got settled enough to write. Exhausted and feeling emotionally spent I decided I needed to just go to bed. So I did and I feel good about this even though I didn’t post.
I still have quite a bit of work to do on the site (obviously). I think I will have time this weekend to expand upon more of what I have planned for this year and how the #BeAwesome project even came into being.
To get back to the past couple days, one thing that falls into this project is “body”. Even just the word can be triggering to many, myself included, but I know I need to work on my personal health and how I feel about my body. If you’ve ever read any of the archives on my main site you know that I’ve had 3 foot surgeries so far (the first surgery was botched and caused nerve damage that led to further surgeries, and I’ve learned I have more surgeries in my future). The surgeries which left me with some disabilities as well as chronic pain, have contributed to a 30# weight gain, and serious decrease in strength and cardiovascular health, which has all greatly affected my self-esteem. Recently my battle with chronic pain has intensified to a breaking point. I am now seeing a podiatrist, neurologist, and pain specialist, as well as a counselor to tackle many issues including my pain.
Despite all of these barriers part of my #BeAwesome project to is work on getting my physical self back into a healthy shape. I joined the fitness club by my work and even paid for a 1x/month training session to have someone put me through fitness testing and measurements to track my progress. I do an absolute shitty job holding myself accountable so I feel like I need someone else to do it, even though I totally know what to do. My goal for the first month is to simply be consistent and exercise a minimum of 4x/week. Realistic goal setting is important – I will not set myself up to get discouraged and want to quit.
It’s late again, finding the time to write regularly is difficult but part of the process, and I just want to play games and go to bed. So I shall.
#BeAwesome ~ Chase
It’s already 11pm on Day 3 and I’m exhausted, whiny, and just want to go to bed…but I’m trying to hold myself accountable so here I am hammering out some only slightly coherent gibberish.
Today was another hard day. I imagine most of my days at the start of the project will be rough. I hope it gets easier over time.
At this moment my foot is in what I refer to as a flare. I suffer from chronic pain after enduring several foot surgeries and am in pain almost 100% of the time. There is the normal chronic pain which I have grown used to, and then there is the flare which I can only describe as a heated knife being driven through my foot. Nothing really helps. I get anxious and frustrated and tend to have a drink to relax. Tonight it was a red wine….or 2.
After a trauma, be it physical or emotional, you may feel a loss of control and in some cases may have truly lost control of something. I believe that focusing on things you can control is part of the healing process and is something I’ll be addressing during the project.
While my current state of pain is borderline oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-start-crying, I’m going to take a moment to focus on the positives of the day. I worked out – 35min on the recumbent bike; fuck I’m out of shape. I ate well. Lots of fruit and salad today with only a little junk food and wine sprinkled in. I VC’d with my “little sis” in Florida.
I’m tired. I’m not forming complete sentences but I typed something so success is mine. I promise to work on actual writing soon.
#BeAwesome ~ Chase
I was contemplating writing today’s post tomorrow but then decided I’d just keep procrastinating day after day so crappy Day 2 post shall ensue. It was a long holiday weekend and I was pretty much worthless but need to focus on the tiny victories. I didn’t eat like complete crap today. I went for a walk. I fixed the Ikea table I tragically tried to assemble a few months ago and it is finally usable to the fullest. I texted a few friends and didn’t stay in total hermit mode although I did get overwhelmed and napped for no reason. I’d give myself a C- for today.
I’m hoping this project will help to keep me accountable for my actions this next year. If I’m going to survive this crazy life I need to make changes now. Thanks to those who are already supporting me in this crazy journey. Letting people in is something I’ve been working on and it feels good even though I don’t have it all figured out yet. Thanks for the love.
#BeAwesome ~ Chase
I’m finally doing it. No more excuses. No more procrastination. Today starts the #BeAwesome project ready or not. In many ways I’ve already started – the idea of drastically changing my life, and trying to find that elusive happiness started over a year ago. While I have made some changes for the better I definitely have not been consistent, and my variance between struggles and successes is far too great. So after considerable thought, some makeshift whiteboarding in my bedroom, and a desire to make my life awesome because I sure as fuck can’t go on like this anymore, the #BeAwesome project has launched.
Let me start by being honest. I’m totally writing this post on September 2nd but am altering the post date to September 1st BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. Hehehehe. OK so it’s mainly to make myself feel better because I did do things like set-up my web host, wordpress, etc. yesterday. I also went for a walk so I was proud of that, especially with the recent pain flares I’ve been experiencing. I have so much more in my head to get out, however I have a year to work on this project so I’m not going to try to do it all on the first post. THE END.
#BeAwesome ~ Chase